


To Endure

by ALRiter



Category: Naruto
Genre: Complicated Emotions, Complicated Relationships, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Guilt, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Internal Conflict, M/M, Romance, Teacher-Student Relationship, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, parental figure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2020-11-22 08:03:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20870918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ALRiter/pseuds/ALRiter
Summary: This fic starts by following a few scenes in Naruto Shippuden episode 152 when Naruto finds out that Jiraiya has died. And then the fic starts to branch off as Iruka gets more involved in Naruto's healing process after losing his sensei.Hurt and Comfort are the main themes, but yes, this is a pairing fic, so be aware that over the course of the fic that Naruto and Iruka will have intimate relations. This honestly started out as a headcannon and a one shot that got away from me because I couldn't justify Iruka stooping to this without more substance leading up to it, so I kept going until it felt .... believable?Therefore, you all get to ride along on this guilt/hurt/comfort/etc train right along with me.I honestly never mentally paired Iruka with Naruto until my brain did a weird thing with this scene, so here you go, I guess....





	1. So Many Salt Shakers

Naruto walked through the streets of the leaf village. The summer heat waning just a bit as the late evening breeze swept through the streets. People bustled around him at the shops, but his eyes tracked blankly along the ground in front of him. Lost in his head he kept thinking “What do you mean “Jiraiya is dead.” No he’s not. He can’t be. You’re wrong.” But he felt an ache that seemed to tell him that it was so, and that his teacher was indeed gone.

Gone.

What a joke. Any moment Jiraiya would pop in and say “Just kidding! I was off researching for my next book, and this was a good way to try to get Tsunade to come running to my arms.” And the next thing you know he’d have half his face smashed in by Tsunade for pulling such a cruel prank.

A gust of wind twisted through his hair and brushed his face. Leaves curled up into the sky and Naruto watched them soar high above the leaf village.

Teacher… Is that you?

Naruto stared blankly at the sky and then remembered the days gone by of travelling, training, and becoming a fine ninja with Jiraiya. Seems so long ago now. He touches the zipper of his clothing that Jiraiya bought for him.

Then a warm familiar voice. “Yo! Naruto.” Naruto paused and looked up. The softly smiling face of Iruka sensei stood in front of him. “I hear you’ve been real active on missions and such. Everyone in the village is talking about you.”

A pause, Iruka half expected Naruto to interrupt already. But when Naruto stood silent Iruka continued.

“Hey, let’s go somewhere and catch up! How about Ichiraku for some ramen?” Iruka winked and thumbed in the direction of their favourite ramen shop.

Naruto stared blankly and then looked down, his expression cold and clouded. “No thanks.” Naruto responded quietly. Iruka gaped slightly, taken aback. Something has clearly happened. But what?

Naruto silently brushes past Iruka and continues down the street. Iruka slowly turns back, his expression a dark shadow of concern on his face. Iruka knows that look. Just who has died? Walking briskly to the Hokage tower, Iruka goes to find out.

Some time later at Naruto’s place, the kettle is set out with an opened package of instant ramen, but it sits dry and unprepared. The namesake’s contents unappealing to the grieving young man. Naruto sits on his bed, the room quiet and orderly, albeit quite empty. Naruto isn’t home much anymore. Just a place to rest his head. But he gets no rest, and after staring at the clock a few too many times he leaves the room and walks out into the night air without so much as turning out the light or locking the door. He pads down the stone stairs, cursing the frogs that peep croak in the distance, accompanied by crickets and moths fluttering loudly against lights. He passes a convenience shop, and sees the popsicle freezer and stops dead in his tracks. 

He buys one but doesn’t manage to get around to eating it. Simply holds it, staring at the orange crystals melt on the outer surface and slide down the frozen snack. Where was his Teacher’s hands to break it in half like he once did on hot summer days like this? Where, where, where? Then suddenly drip, drip, drop. He’s watching moisture collect on the pavement, but the popsicle remains in hand, still gathering drops. His eyes have finally opened up. He hated it, that it felt so hard to cry, while equally despising the tears for welling up at all. He wished he could keep them down, but now, sitting alone, in the quiet, with the dead of night and his anguished mind, he found himself unable to stop.

Jiraiya…. Why….?

“Naruto…” Again the soft and unmistakable voice of his sensei. He walked over calmly and sat on the bench next to Naruto. “I heard about Lord Jiraiya.” Even Iruka’s eyes wavered, Naruto could see it, but his own eyes were tired and dark, he felt drained.

“I wanted him to keep watching over me.” Naruto thought about the long summer days, and long winter nights, and all the unrelentingly hard training no matter the weather, and he missed it so much it hurt to breathe. But he continued, “I wanted him to see me become Hokage.” Greedy, stupid, he should know better than to want for more than a shinobi is allowed to hope for in their hard, often short lives. “But I only ended up showing Pervy Sage the worst, most un-cool side of me.” A fond but sad expression eased onto Naruto’s face as he recalled how stupid he was when he was younger. How he unknowingly squandered those days with Jiraiya. He wanted to go back. Or rather, he wanted more. “I was-”

“Jiraiya sama only had praise for you.” Iruka butted in gracefully. Keeping Naruto from completing the thought. “He was always boasting about you, saying you were like his own grandchild.” 

Naruto’s eyes widened and looked up at Iruka, searching hopefully for anything he could cling to like a raft in his sea of emotions. Iruka continued, throwing him whole islands of hope and comfort. Which Iruka did best.

“He had faith that you were the one who would inherit his will. And he truly believed that you would one day become a great Hokage.” Iruka’s face softened as he gazed at Naruto with the eyes of a nurturing father. 

“Jiraiya sama will always watch over you.” Naruto’s breath caught in his throat. A small gasp hardly enough to soothe his lungs that stung from the way his heart swelled and sank at Iruka’s words.

“Even this very minute he’s watching from somewhere. He wouldn’t be happy seeing you like this. So…” Iruka lifted himself off of the bench heavily, as if his limbs were weighed down by the burden he wanted to carry for Naruto. But the best he could do was hold out a light of hope, and perhaps…. Iruka could encourage Naruto back into his old self.

“Be your usual self, the one he praised so much. Don’t stay depressed forever.” Iruka hunched down in front of Naruto and reached out for the popsicle. “For Lord Jiraiya sama himself, one of the Legendary Sannin… acknowledged you as his promising student.” And with an encouraging smile Iruka snapped the popsicle in half, and for a moment Naruto saw Jiraiya’s face in Iruka’s. In that fatherly way he had seen for so many years before.

Naruto’s eyes locked on Iruka. The love and longing for his teacher Jiraiya melded itself onto Iruka as he sat before him. Yes, he could get through this, he hasn’t lost everyone, and Jiraiya lives on inside himself. And before him sat his first teacher, telling him just want he knew Jiraiya would say if he were here.

Naruto slowly reached out, taking the popsicle in his hand gently, his fingers slowly overlapping with Iruka’s as he took hold of the wooden stick. “Thank you… Iruka Sensei.” His voice cracked and was barely above a whisper. But Iruka smiled softly and reached out to cup Naruto’s face gently, wiping away the drying remains of tears. Iruka leaned forward and touched his forehead to Naruto’s. Breathing out a sigh Iruka took a moment to just be in the moment with Naruto. 

And after a minute he felt Naruto shift, letting the popsicle drop to the ground, and Naruto slowly and gently took hold of Iruka’s sides, a hesitant embrace, one of which Iruka returned in earnest after letting his popsicle also drop to the ground. A feast for ants come the morning. Iruka pulled Naruto forward nestling his head in his neck and sighed again, rubbing the back of Naruto’s head, his blonde hair soft and straight.

Naruto stayed there for a while, Iruka rubbed circles into Naruto’s back and stared out past the bench, into the darkness and bushes. Then Naruto softly, barely audible against the teacher’s turtleneck, said. “Can we have some ramen now? Iruka sensei?” And the small smile in Naruto’s cracking voice, paired with a few moist tears on his shoulder was enough to make Iruka’s heart melt. Ichiraku’s was long since closed, but Iruka would walk over hot coals for Naruto, and Iruka wasn’t about to send Naruto home on an empty stomach.

“Of course, as long as you don’t mind my cooking?” Iruka stated a bit concernedly. But not too much to his surprise, Naruto said “I don’t mind. I’m sure it’s better than instant ramen.”

Iruka sat back and scratched his nose and looked away nervously. “Well, it’s still instant. But I have a trick to make it taste better.”

Naruto’s eyes lit up. “A secret trick? Will you teach me?!” And Iruka couldn’t help but smile back a bit. 

“I don’t know. It’s a pretty special trick. Maybe I don’t want to share it with a big mouth like you.” Iruka pinched Naruto’s nose and stood up, waiting for Naruto to join him. It took all but a moment for Naruto to jump up and pump a fist in the air enthusiastically.

“I can keep a secret! Especially a secret about RAMEN! Believe it!” And trotted off dramatically lifting his knees higher than necessary as he headed in the direction of Iruka’s place. Iruka grinned fondly, remembering the days that Naruto would follow him and pester him for ramen, and to wear his headband, and all sorts of things.

Iruka stared now at that same boy’s back and saw a man, and a fellow shinobi. One with scars and losses and no parent’s, just like him. His heart went out to him, and yet, Naruto smiled so much wider still than Iruka ever could after everything he went through. Somehow, Naruto’s face was braver, and brighter, even in spite of everything else.

Iruka hoped that maybe it was because of the people who were finally giving him a chance. That maybe Naruto would become the greatest Hokage ever, and that Naruto would smile proud and deep, and that it would be a healing balm to even Iruka himself.

Iruka caught up to Naruto and walked alongside him to his place, unlocking the door and letting them in. Naruto padded in taking off his sandals and trekked to the kitchen immediately. Going to the cupboards and rummaging around.

“So, Iruka sensei. What sort of secret is it? Is it spices? Oh! Or maybe a special cooking method? I know old man Ichiraku is always smacking me with his spoon for trying to peek in back. I bet you got a peek back there! Didn’t you! Everyone loves you, you’d have no problem getting all sorts of people to tell you secrets, right sensei?” Naruto prattled on and Iruka walked in after putting on his black slippers.

“Easy now, It’s not THAT high profile of a secret ramen technique.” Iruka chuckled and walked over pulling out a pot from the cabinet. Naruto scooched over to make room by the stove. “Get out the flavour you want and hand it here.”

Naruto obliged excitedly and fished out two packages of beef flavoured ramen. He walked back over and handed them to Iruka. Then he stood close to Iruka’s shoulder, looming observantly. Iruka peered over his shoulder and gave him a look. And Naruto stepped back a bit. He was almost as tall as Iruka now. Just half a head shorter. Of course all that blonde spikey hair make Iruka wonder if maybe he still had a bit more height on Naruto than it appeared.

Iruka chuckled. “You’ve grown a lot again. Seems like I keep missing out on all your growth spurts. Maybe you’ll be taller than me next time I see you.” Iruka set about putting the water on the stove and set the kettle to boil as well.

Naruto grinned and laced his hands behind his head proudly. “Ya think?! Gosh I hope so. I don’t want to be shorter than Sasuke when I bring him back. That would blow.”

Iruka grew quiet, but Naruto continued to walk around the kitchen, unfazed. Naruto still held a torch for Sasuke. It hurt Iruka to think it, but if anyone could save Sasuke, maybe it  _ could _ be Naruto. No one got through to Sasuke like Naruto. And no one made Sasuke MAD like Naruto.

Iruka laughed.

Naruto looked over and raised an eyebrow. “What’s funny?”

“Just you.” Iruka grinned and turned to get out the chives and spices. Then Naruto walked over and peered into the cabinet.

“Holy shhhhh- sensei, you have a metric ton of spices. What do you do? Rob the spice trade in your spare time? Extort housewives at parent teacher conferences? Who NEEDS this many spices. Is that…. You have THREE shakers of salt in here. WHY DO YOU NEED THREE?!”

Naruto was now pressing past Iruka and ogling the spice pantry which was overcrowded with spices upon spices. Iruka was now effectively pinned in the corner of his cabinet space and sighed dramatically with a huff as some of his hair fell into his face from out of his ponytail when Naruto’s arm brushed past his head.

“Naruto, do you mind. I can’t see.” Iruka tried to wriggle past but Naruto was now holding the three salt shakers and rummaging through for more.

“No WAYYYYY. FOUR. I found a fourth salt, and I see a few Pepper grinders, and there are like 4 different types of pepper in here. What kind of hoarder are you? Iruka sensei, no wonder you smell like black pepper and cloves. This is ridiculous…” Naruto finally leaned back and Iruka took a breath as he finally had space to move and breathe again.

“Naruto, honestly….” Iruka grabbed two of the three salt shakers Naruto was holding and went to put them away. Then turned back to take the third one and take it to the stove. But Naruto held onto it and stared at him. Iruka paused when Naruto didn’t let go and looked up at Naruto. “Naruto, can I please have the salt shaker.”

“No way, you have four. I’m keeping this one.” Naruto said matter of factly and Iruka sighed deeply and his shoulders sagged in defeat. Honestly it was like school all over again.

Iruka turned back to the cabinet to get another salt shaker, and then handed Naruto a pepper grinder. “Here. Have this one too. It’s a set.” Iruka stated and had a slightly red face after heading back to the stove.

Naruto narrowed his gaze and then smirked. “Hey Iruka Sensei. Are you embarrassed?” Naruto prodded teasingly.

“No. Of course not. Naruto, would you please set the table. Bowls are up there.” Iruka pointed at a cabinet to the left and then turned back to the pot to add the noodles, and grinded some salt into the water.

Naruto set the table, but kept eyeing up Iruka from across the room. And it didn’t go past Iruka’s notice when Naruto snuck out of the room and down the hall. So Iruka paused to lift the spoon from the pot of boiling water as he listened for which room Naruto was about to sneak into. Iruka heard the tell tale sound of the floorboards, and when one in particular creaked followed by the soft click of the doorknob, Iruka was down the hall and behind Naruto so fast that Naruto’s knuckles stung before he realised that Iruka had swatted them with the hot wooden spoon.

“It’s not polite to snoop in someone else’s home, Naruto. Get back to the kitchen.”

“Make me.” Naruto challenged.

Iruka was almost stunned, but he crossed his arms and tapped his finger on the spoon handle. “Excuse me? What did you just say to me?”

“I bet you have stuff hoarded in there too. Don’t ya, sensei?”

“I do not, and that’s a very rude thing to say. Do you want ramen or not?”

“Oh I do, I do, but uh, I’m not the one who knows the super special secret, secret to your ramen, so I guess you’ll have to finish it. Have fun.” Naruto tried to go for another room door and Iruka swatted away both his hands so fast that Naruto’s shadow clone didn’t even get a chance to slip behind Iruka and into the bedroom.

“Naruto, I swear, if you don’t get back to the kitchen I will force feed you burnt ramen and make you wish you had more common sense than to try and invade your teacher’s privacy.”

“You mean my favourite teacher.” Naruto corrected slyly.

Iruka paused and you could almost hear his brain stall and repeat the words Naruto just said in his head. “You’re what?”

“My favourite teacher, you.” Naruto said and stepped towards Iruka, gently tapping a finger on top of the offending spoon and pushing it aside, to make it less of a threat.

“Naruto, you are treading on dangerous waters, and you better not be toying with my feelings to get into my bedroom-”

“Ah, so that IS your bedroom. Now I know which one to shoot for.” Naruto had a coy grin on his face and Iruka was having trouble processing what exactly Naruto was up to. It was beginning to sound an awful lot like flirtation, but Iruka was getting mixed signals. In any case, Iruka was just about ready to yank Naruto by the ear and throw him on the curb. But… His favourite teacher? Now that’s just a cruel thing to lure in front of him on the same day Naruto found out that Jiraiya died. Maybe Naruto was compensating for his loss with humour and latching onto the closest thing he has to another role model. 

Perhaps Iruka needed to try another tactic. “Naruto, look. It’s been a long day, you probably haven’t eaten yet, and I’m upset about Jiraiya too. Why don’t we go back and sit down. We can talk, or not talk, doesn’t matter. Whatever you need, I’m there for you.”

Naruto had looked down at some point and grown quiet. “...-need.” Naruto mumbled so softly and broken that Iruka leaned in to try and listen again.

“What? Naruto I can’t hear you.” Iruka stepped forward and touched a hand to Naruto’s shoulder. Leaning his ear towards Naruto to listen.

“What I need… I don’t even know… I-” Naruto sighed shakily and sniffed. Iruka gently touched Naruto’s shoulders and rubbed them comfortingly.

“I know… I know. This is confusing. And emotional, and so hard. I’ve lost people too, Naruto. It’s scary, and I wish I could make it better, but these things take time, and experience to get over. Sometimes one minute they are there and the next they aren’t. That’s the life of a shinobi, and we’ve been teaching it from day one, but that doesn’t make anyone really prepared for it. I know. I lived it too. So has everyone else. So don’t worry about how it looks to others, that doesn’t matter. Just find out what it takes to get through it for YOU and if there’s anything I can do to help, you let me know, okay?”

“You.” Naruto said. And looked up slowly. Eyes full of tears and fear and confusion. “I need you. Iruka sensei. I don’t know why, but I do. I need you.” Naruto cupped Iruka’s face and stared into his eyes intensely.

“What?” Iruka stared at him, confused. “I don’t understand. Naruto, what do you mean ‘you need me.’?”

“I need you.” Naruto said again, With more meaning and conviction this time and pulled Iruka’s hand to his lips and kissed his palm.

Iruka stilled and felt his heart stop.

Oh, no. Naruto… no….

This wasn’t happening. How had this unraveled so quickly? Iruka felt like he was in the middle of knitting a neat sweater, and somehow he lost a stitch, and the entire thing was unraveling, and now he was being swallowed up with orange yarn. Orange yarn, with very intense blue eyes. Eyes that suddenly seemed very adult, and sure of what they want. Iruka tried to step back and pull away. But Naruto held his hand fast.

“Naruto, this is not something I can do. And it’s not the right way to cope. Jiraiya wouldn’t want you to do this. Please let me go.”

Naruto’s eyes simply stayed on Iruka’s, and Naruto turned his mouth and opened it slowly, gently biting down on the meaty part of Iruka’s palm. Iruka felt the lick of his tongue follow it, and watched as Naruto’s face grew a bit heated.

Iruka’s gaze hardened and chilled. He couldn’t allow this.

“He was the Pervy Sage.” Naruto mumbled. “Maybe he would.” And he leaned towards Iruka, initially seeming to go in for a kiss, but then diverting towards his neck at the last moment his eyes flashing between desperate confidence, and pain.

“Naruto, you are grieving. Let’s go back to the kitchen and have ramen.” Iruka managed to pull his hand free with a steady firm tug and pushed against Naruto’s shoulders. Stopping his mouth mere inches away from his neck. Naruto stilled.

“Right, the water is boiling… I forgot. Sorry, Sensei.” Naruto said unmoving.

Iruka hesitantly moved his hands from Naruto’s shoulders, prepared to push against him again if necessary. But Iruka was able to step to the side and nudge past Naruto, his shoulder brushing heavily in the narrow hallway. Iruka glanced back over his shoulder nervously but Naruto simply turned slowly and meandered back to the kitchen like an injured ninken. Loyal, even when injured. Iruka worried the skin inside his mouth and hurried over to the stove. 

Soon the ramen was finished, the noodles a bit limp and overdone, but still delicious when paired with the broth and other ingredients. However, Naruto consumed the meal in silence with Iruka, who kept glancing at him. Worry making his brow crease slightly. After their bowls were emptied Naruto himself cleared them and began to wash. Iruka started to open his mouth to protest, but closed it again feeling that words were useless for the time being. What could he say? He had stamped down hard on Naruto while he was already wallowing deep in grief. Perhaps it would just be best to walk Naruto home safely and call it a night. Although at this point it was closer to dawn. The blackness of the night was starting to get tinged in lighter hues of deep blue towards the horizon.

After Naruto finished the dishes, Iruka nodded his head towards the door and slipped on his sandals. “Come on. I’ll walk you home.” Naruto barely raised his eyes and nodded as he came to slide on his shoes. And they walked in the pre-dawn light towards Naruto’s apartment.

Once Naruto was safely to his doorstep, he turned to face Iruka. “Goodnight Iruka sensei.” Naruto said with a complete lack of life to his voice. Iruka wondered when he would hear Naruto’s voice happy again. But Iruka knew these things took time. 

“If you need anything, anything at all- I mean. You come and find me if you need help. All right, Naruto?” Iruka said and touched his hand to Naruto’s arm. He didn’t even react, just stared at the ground. Iruka frowned in worry and looked at Naruto a long moment before pulling him into a long tight hug. “You’ve still got me. Naruto. Hang in there.” 

Naruto’s hands hesitantly clasped around Iruka’s back in return, and Naruto sank his head into the crook of Iruka’s shoulder and breathed him in, fighting back tears. Then, after a brief soothing rub to Naruto’s back, Iruka pulled away and nodded in solidarity at Naruto. And with a final fleeting glance at Iruka, Naruto turned and went into his apartment.

Iruka walked back to his apartment worrying about Naruto the entire way, and through the entire rest of the night before finally falling asleep at dawn. Granting him an hour of rest before getting up for teaching.

But he wouldn’t hear any news of Naruto, or even catch a glimpse of him for nearly a week before Iruka decided that he should pay Naruto a visit after school on Friday. Perhaps he could take Naruto to Ichiraku’s this time, since it was earlier.

Iruka knocked on the door, but a quick peek into the window revealed that no one was home. Although it was pretty clear that Naruto had been around his apartment recently, based on the dishes and clothing scattered around a bit. Iruka sighed and turned around, walking through the village towards the market to pick up food ingredients for his dinner.

While Iruka studied the freshness of some vegetables, the chatter of people surrounding him blended into the background, that is until a louder group filled with boisterous laughter arose above the rest. And his name was called from a few stalls away.

“Iruka sensei! Iruka sensei! Over here!” Kiba called out and waved over his head. Iruka turned and saw a group of his old students gathered in the street making their way towards him. “Iruka sensei, you should come with us! We’re going out as a group! It’ll be fun!” He clapped Iruka on the shoulder and leaned in towards his ear and whispered. “Naruto needed to get out of his house. He hasn’t left in days. Come on, he’s been fighting us the entire way. But if you come he may actually stick around.”

Iruka glanced at the group. There were a lot of them. Kiba, Shikamaru, Shino, Choji, Ino, TenTen, and Lee, and there at the back of the group was Naruto, looking haggard and like he was just a shell of his former self walking around the village. Even his hair looked darker, like an overcast day masking the sun. Iruka blinked and his hesitation must have lasted a bit too long as Kiba tilted his head watching him. “Sensei? What do you say, wanna come along? It’s a weekend. No kids tomorrow right?”

“R-right. Um, sure, let me just put these carrots back… sorry.” He apologized to the cart owner, and turned back to the group. Naruto was clearly paying attention, but hadn’t looked at Iruka yet. He was avoiding meeting his gaze. But then again, Naruto was hardly looking at any of his friends at all. He really wasn’t doing very well. Maybe this outing was a good thing.

“So, where are we heading?” Iruka asked the group as he began to walk with them.

“Ichiraku’s first of course!” Choji said enthusiastically.

And then Lee chimed in saying “And then a battle of endurance! The last man standing will have their tab paid by the losers!!”

“Drinking, we’re going drinking.” TenTen said with an eye roll. He thinks he’s going to win, but my money’s on Shikamaru. He can probably think his way out of a hangover.” She chuckled and smiled.

Iruka realised then that he wanted to leave too. The drinking scene really wasn’t where he wanted to be right now, and honestly, with one glance towards Naruto, he could tell that wasn’t somewhere he wanted to be either. But he supposed that they hadn’t mentioned the drinking until after they bribed him with Ramen.

I guess the best thing now was to stick with the group and make sure they all got home all right afterwards. After all, that’s his role as a responsible adult, and a good role model… right?

\- - -


	2. Vomit and Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the inebriated chaos!!!

#  **Chapter 2**

As the thrumming music of the clubs came into Iruka’s hearing, his heart began to pound hard and nervously. He never much cared for drinking and the few times he went out with other teachers or shinobi it was never with his former students. Honestly, this was not his cup of tea. Though the tea he had at Ichiraku’s was more delicious than usual. A long hot day in the over cramped classroom had definitely made that soothing jasmine tea taste divine. And paired with Ichiraku’s award winning ramen had really hit the spot. Naruto had almost slowly eaten his ramen, but had worked his way through three bowls total. At least he had eaten a normal amount. But Iruka also knew what it was like to try to keep up appearances to make sure others wouldn’t become acutely aware that one was suffering. He could tell by the colour of Naruto’s skin and the faded colour of his hair that he was not keeping up on his nutrition. Maybe he should stop by Naruto’s place several times a week to bring him dinner. It wasn’t like he couldn’t easily cook for two. He had time in the evenings while he was cooking for himself. 

Iruka glanced at Naruto who was walking a bit behind him next to Lee. Lee was gesturing wildly and talking about his training and the last mission he had been on. Iruka could tell that Naruto wasn’t even hearing him. And Lee could tell too. But like himself, Lee seemed to understand that the company was more meaningful than the social interaction in this case. Iruka smiled lightly and turned back to ask Shikamaru about his family.

  * \- -

Once inside the bar Iruka wanted to turn around and walk right back out. There were dancers on podiums in skimpy outfits that made his cheeks burn red with embarrassment, and the place could practically be a strip club if it wasn’t for the fact that those were not paid dancers, they were regular people up there gyrating.

“I don’t think this is the best environment for socializing guys, this place is really loud and… distracting.” Iruka tried to persuade his former students to leave and pick a more low key place, but his plight went unheard in the loud pounding din.

Instead Ino and TenTen grabbed his arms and yanked him into the bar and walked their group right up to the bar counter and sat down. Their pace was dramatically in time with the music already and they leaned over the bar and called for the bartender, Ino getting the hunky 20 something bartender to come over quite quickly by showing a vast amount of cleavage.    
“No faiiiiir!” TenTen pouted. “You’re luckier than me in  _ that _ department, Ino.”

Ino tossed her hair and smiled. “Naturally!” 

“Or so she claims.” Kiba stage whispered to TenTen. Who laughed. Then Kiba’s eye bugged out and he ducked as a bar pretzel came launching at his head with terrifying force.

“Kibaaaa! I swear, if you start in on that shit again I’ll wipe this grimy ass floor with your FACE!”

“Oh, shut up and drink your chill pill, Ino. You know why we’re all here. Let’s not fight.”

“Then DON’T give me a reason to fight you so easily Kiba!” Ino retorted and tossed back a hard drink that was 3 fingers deep.

_ Get me out of here.  _ Iruka thought and ordered whatever the bartender had as the house special. A minute later he got a towering blue and yellow drink that had several umbrella’s and was a fruity slush. “You’ve got to be kidding me…” Iruka muttered and stood up to try to sip his drink from the curly straw.

At least it was good. And strong.

Then he watched as the same drink was brought out to Naruto and several of the others were chanting for him to chug it. Iruka had just started to raise his finger to say that this was not a good idea when Naruto took out the umbrella’s and curly straw and tipped back the foot tall drink and began to chug. Iruka’s jaw nearly hit the floor when Naruto came away from the rim of the drink with it half gone. Took several breaths, whooped loud enough for others in the surrounding area to cheer, and then he finished off the rest of the drink within several seconds. The whole group aside from Shikamaru cheered and ordered more drinks. Some heading to the dance floor to shake and groove. Shikamaru shook his head and wandered over to the seat next to the sensei.

“Don’t worry. Believe it or not, Naruto has gone out with us before, and this is usually how he is, just generally a bit more cheerful. But considering what he’s just gone through, a bit of glumness is understandable. He’ll be fine in time. He ate well, and he’s managed to snap out of his funk enough to fake a smile, so he’s fighting. Ya know?”

Iruka stared at Shikamaru and then past him at Naruto dancing and drinking. It just all seemed so surreal. Something he had never imagined Naruto doing. Maybe he spent too much time with children to understand that people grew up in phases. Starting with being in your glowing teens when everything was new and fun. And perhaps he was too akin to the life of adults who were jagged and had experienced loss after loss. And despite his teachings, he often forgot that people experience loss at different times in their lives. Sometimes none at all until later, other times very young, and other times it comes one after the other like shock waves.

“Don’t think about it too hard.” Shikamaru said, and passed Iruka a smaller drink that looked more to his tastes. “Try this one. It’s a sipper. You look like someone who likes to nurse a drink for a while and never finish it.” He and Shikamaru both smirked at that and Iruka took a sip of the amber liquid. It was an aged bourbon. It was just what he needed to smooth him out. Shikamaru knew what his mind needed all right. That boy was always thinking.

Further into the evening Iruka had finished about a third of the fruity drink, 2 of the bourbon’s and a scotch that was calling to him from the high shelf. He had spent more than he wanted to but watching all his students going crazy in a bar was not something he actually wanted to be sober for. Apparently that’s what Shikamaru was for. He was in charge of staying sober and making sure everyone got home okay. Of course… Iruka didn’t know how that was supposed to work because Shikamaru had been drinking the whole night away, one bourbon after another after another. He was keeping track, roughly… and Shikamaru almost had Naruto out drank as far as alcohol content went. But wait. Who was keeping track of all this anyway? They had a bet going, didn’t they?

Suddenly a body was thrown across his space leaning on the bar between him and Shikamaru. Yellow hair and Orange jumpsuit made his vision spin as he corrected his posture on his stool and made more room for the blonde to push his way to the crowded bar. “Scuze’ me sensei. I just need another drink. Orrrr Shika-maaaaaru is gonna win big this time.” Naruto drawled and Shikamaru sighed and rolled his eyes.

“You don’t look like a winner, Naruto.” Shikamaru said with a sly grin and a steady speech that sounded like deep velvet with the bourbon tingeing his vocal cords.

“That’s because you like to look like a stick in the mud who’s all. That.” Naruto waggled his fingers suggesting that Shikamaru was stuck up and took the refilled drink and pushed up off of Iruka’s shoulder to stand again. Then paused. “Wait a minute. You haven’t moved either. You need to dance. You came here to have fun, come on sensei, dance, danceeeee!”

Iruka protested heavily, but then there were more hands than he could count dragging him out of his seat, and away from his drinks of solitude, out to a dance floor that gave him more than a little anxiety. “No, no. Really, I don’t dance. I’m terrible and it’s not my cup of tea. Honestly. Just leave me at the bar.”

“Nooo way, if they intend to make me dance and drink and pretend everything is happy and fine, then you need to pretend too, sensei.” Naruto said next to Iruka’s ear as he was pulled to the dance floor. “So. Dance with me.” Naruto said as his hand slid around his shoulder and Naruto’s eyes had more than a little hint of trouble in them. Maybe misery just loved company. Right?

Well, I doubt anyone in the club would deem it anything other than a ‘dad shimmy’ but Iruka danced. Awkwardly. And Naruto danced up a storm across from him. Several times there was a person or two who would bump into him sensually and Naruto would gracefully return the grind or hip bump with a casual flare that showed he liked to party on the regular. And each time Naruto’s eyes would glance over at his sensei. The first time he looked nervous and as if he was going to push the other person away, but then the second time it happened he reached up and stroked the jaw of the man who had come up behind him to grind against him. And Iruka had glanced away nervously at the open show of seductiveness. Iruka had tried several times to leave the dance floor but between Naruto blocking off the path and the others crowded around them, he couldn’t get away. So he shimmied and tried not to bump into anyone. Heaven forbid that someone would mistake that for initiation like that of Naruto’s. Iruka was not game for that.

Then, like a thing being summoned to happen by trying to avoid it, someone came up behind Iruka and he felt a hand on his hip followed by hips against his ass. Iruka jolted and was just about to twist away from the offending dancer when Naruto’s arm was around his waist pulling him to his chest and glowering at the out of line stranger. They had the decency to look ashamed and went back to dancing with another group after an apologetic gesture.

“Are you all right? He didn’t touch you bad or anything did he?” Naruto vocalized into his ear so close that his breath was tickling his ear in the loud pounding surroundings. Iruka shook his head and stepped away from Naruto. Naruto snagged his hand and gestured for the bar. 

_ Thank god. Yes, get me off of the dance floor.  _ Iruka thought, and followed Naruto. Hand in hand. Once Iruka had downed another drink his head started to spin a little. Perhaps he should have refused dancing a bit more. Now his head hurt.

“I should take you home. I should get home too, while they’re too drunk to notice me leave.” Naruto said with surprising clarity. Had he sobered up a bit? Iruka couldn’t imagine how. Not with the looks he was giving just before. But Naruto was right. They should both take the chance to get home while they still had their heads.

“I’ll get you home first.” Iruka offered.

“I’m fineee.” Naruto said and turned to start to walk out.

After stepping out of the bar Iruka could tell just how much damage the music had done to his hearing because there was a high pitched ringing in his ears that interrupted the fresh silence of the street. Iruka sighed. Part in relief, part in frustration.

Naruto took Iruka’s hand.

Iruka cringed. “Let go of my hand Naruto. Now, please.”

Naruto let go but decided to sling his arm around the sensei’s shoulders. Iruka opened his mouth to protest, but decided that this was an appropriate compromise.

They walked quietly, and Iruka directed their walk towards Naruto’s place. Which Naruto didn’t protest. By the time they got there, he thought Naruto was half asleep as his eyes were closed more than open as they had been walking. The amount of weight that Naruto had on Iruka’s shoulders had increased as well.

Once at Naruto’s place, Naruto fished out a key and opened the door. Then, still slumped over Iruka’s shoulder he groaned. “Uaghhh. I don’t want to go to bed. I just got up 5 hours ago when they came to pick me up. Iruka, come in and have some tea.”

Tea sounded nice actually.

“All right.” 

Iruka dropped Naruto on a cushion and went to the small kitchenette and started making tea. Things were more or less organized and he found things pretty easily. Naruto was leaning on the kotatsu and blinking slowly as he stared at Iruka. Or at least the direction of Iruka. He wasn’t sure if Naruto was actually seeing anything.

“Why do you have to be so nice?” Naruto said out of nowhere, and flopped his head down on the table.

Iruka chuckled. “I just am, why? What’s that supposed to mean? Is it troublesome?”

“No…..” Naruto said slowly like he wasn’t sure.

Iruka turned around and looked over at Naruto. He was now face down cheek pressed against the table dramatically pouting.

Honestly, did this boy actually turn 16 already? He didn’t act like it most of the time. Still, time had flown by, and the sensei was proud of his student for making it this far on his own. For an orphan boy who had next to nil for support, he had a tidy apartment, and despite the current situation he had always had a happy hopeful demeanor. Naruto was an inspiration. He almost wished he had coped with his parent’s loss as well as Naruto had.

Iruka brought over the tea and some crackers.

“Thanks sensei.” Naruto responded and munched on a cracker with his eyes closed.

“No problem, Naruto.” He said and ruffled the blonde’s hair. A reflex... 

Naruto hummed appreciatively and took a sip of tea without lifting his head from his supporting hand. Nor opening his eyes.

“Do you really go out drinking and dancing like that a lot?” Iruka asked curiously.

“Hmm. No, not really. Just sometimes. It’s rare for us all to be home from missions or training together like this.”

“I see.” Iruka said and sighed. Relieved. 

“You don’t look like you go out at ALL.” Naruto said and chuckled deeply.

“That’s because I don’t.” Iruka said. “And I NEVER dance.”

“Good.” Naruto said.

“Excuse me? Are you saying I’m a terrible dancer?” Somehow Iruka felt affronted. Perhaps he didn’t like drinking and dancing, but that was no reason to tell him he should give it up entirely!

“No. I mean, yes, you are, but that’s not why it’s good- It’s just that he. You. Um… never mind.” Naruto stammered and then turned red and sipped his tea to divert the conversation.

Iruka pressed on. “He who, what? Naruto. Finish your sentences!” Iruka shook his head and blinked in confusion.

“Nothing. I just didn’t want you to end up in any other uncomfortable predicaments like tonight and I meant that it’s good that you don’t go dancing because that would probably happen… to you…. a lot…. Since you’re so attractive.” Naruto huffed and groaned and buried his face in his hands, His hair nearly dipping into his tea cup.

“Oh.” Iruka replied. Stunned. Then the delay between being appreciative of Naruto’s concern and realizing that he had just been called attractive rushed to meet him and Iruka’s breath caught in his throat and he stood up suddenly. “I should go. It’s late.”

“Wait! No. Don’t run off. Finish your tea. You need to sober up so you get home safe. Sensei, I’m sorry, it’s okay. I won’t say anything else.” Naruto caught Iruka’s arm and held him in place half standing.

Iruka contemplated this for a moment but pulled out of Naruto’s grip. “I’m plenty sober. I think it’s you that needs to rest and sober up.” Iruka started to walk to the door but stopped and turned around in a sudden show of frustration. “You know what, no. You need to listen to me clearly, Naruto.” Naruto slowly spun on his cushion and looked up through his hair meekly at Iruka as he began to get a lecture. “This. Whatever THIS is that you have in your head about you and me. It can’t happen. It will NEVER happen, and I will not be sexually harassed by my past student just because you are grieving Jiraiya. And if there’s some other deeper reason WHY you are so hung up on me because of losing Jiraiya, I SWEAR I will hunt him down in the afterlife and pummel him for perverting you in such a way. You are practically a child still and I am a grown man, and your teacher. So don’t for one minute think that I can comfort you in any capacity other than professional. Because I am still your sensei. And that will never change. Do you hear me?”

“Perverted me? Do you think he had sex with me? Is that what you think this is about? NO! Iruka sensei. He was like a father to me. And I never got that growing up. But after seeing you looking out for me, and after moving away for so long, I realized that I had feelings for you whenever I thought about you. And then I had to move on with my training and had different sensei’s and none of them made me feel the way you do. That I am understood and loved in the way that you do. I fell for you over years and years sensei. And that predates Jiraiya’s passing. And I can’t believe you would accuse… him…. of something so horrible when that’s the last thing his was. He wasn’t like that… I just need you because I already love you and I don’t want anyone else to see me broken up over Jiraiya but you. Because I trust you. And I am 16 I am not a child and unconventional as it is, I still love you. So take it or leave it. But you better believe it when I say that I want you because it’s you. Not because of loss or anything else.”

Naruto’s words started to break and get choked off in his throat the longer he talked, but Iruka was so thrown off by what he was hearing that he didn’t realize that he had walked back over to Naruto to comfort him in his grief. “Naruto. Naruto… I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I was just shooting in the dark. I didn’t mean to disrespect Jiraiya. I was just worried that something bad had happened to you. I just… care about you so damn much. I’m sorry. I know this is difficult. I just…. I  _ can’t. I can’t….  _ Do you understand…?”

Naruto looked up into Iruka’s eyes with tears streaming down. Naruto was clinging to Iruka, hugging him tightly and had a strangled look in his expression. “No…. I don’t understand. I - I love you sensei.” Naruto practically pleaded with his confession. Iruka looked up and away, steadying his breath to work through this complicated moment with his senses about him. Those drinks definitely didn’t help anything.

“Well, maybe it will make more sense in the morning. You should rest. You’ve been drinking a lot. And you’ve probably said a lot you don’t mean. I don’t want you dreading anything in the morning that you can’t take back. Come on. To your bed.” Iruka tried to urge Naruto over to the bed, and managed to quite easily. He was all swaying weight, and nerves. So how he managed that was beyond him at this point.

“-regret. Pft.” Naruto said almost too faintly for Iruka to hear, and then before Iruka could question it, he was being pulled into Naruto’s arms and pushed down to the bed. Then, Iruka was all adrenaline and fear.  _ NO.  _ Iruka saw Naruto’s face closing in on his and he sent his heal of his palm upwards into Naruto’s chin and kneed him in the groin before punching him in the abdomen.

“Naruto! I can’t believe you just tried that!” Iruka stood up with a quick motion and moved a few steps away from Naruto with his arms raised. Naruto had been knocked to his knees by the foot of his bed. And was now tending to the dribble of blood coming off of his lip. Iruka, pissed at what just happened continued in fury. “If you thought my reaction at the bar was any indication of how easy it would be to try something with me, you are mistaken. And if this happens again. I swear I will report this. Not even you get to pull this kind of shit with me and get off easy. My body is MINE and I will not have it harmed by someone I  _ care _ about.” Iruka’s voice broke at the end and he put his hands down and knelt by Naruto’s side. He had begun crying and apologizing over and over.

“Look. It’s…. It’s not okay, but I forgive you. Just don’t. Do it. Again. Understand?” Iruka took Naruto’s jaw and tipped his chin up. Looking over the injury. He had knocked him hard but not hard enough to break his teeth or do any major damage. Just his pride.

But Naruto had a look of a man who had accepted that he was guilty of something unforgivable. He was weeping and looked at Iruka with eyes that were begging for punishment or understanding. “Kiss me.” He said. “Or Hit me. Whichever. I need you. Sensei.”

Iruka, shocked, dropped his hands from Naruto’s face and backed off immediately. “No. You. You need to sleep. Get in bed and think about what you’ve done to me. And apologize when you see me next. Or I will not see you until you pull yourself together.” Then Iruka turned around and closed the door behind him and walked to his home at a breakneck pace. Guilt and a gross knot formed in his gut as he walked and he made his way home and cried silently with his back to his locked door.

This sucked. He wanted an acid shower. His student wanted him sexually and romantically, and nothing in all his years of teaching had prepared him for something like this. He felt gross. He was going to be sick.

Iruka vomited on the entryway floor, and cried.

\- - -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a downer chapter, Iruka has to hate it before he loves it, ya know?
> 
> Tell me what you think? Do you think that Naruto would be capable of this kind of weak attempt to kiss Iruka and then be steeped in regret from his moment of inebriated weakness?
> 
> I feel like it's possible, but at the same time I don't really see Naruto doing something against someone's consent. But I feel like with how he did it he was probably leaving it open for Iruka to reject.... testing the waters as it were.
> 
> Ya know?
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed the chapter!!!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm judging myself so harshly for writing this right now.
> 
> But that isn't to say I'm judging you for reading it.
> 
> Comfort me.


End file.
